Saturday, February 27, 2010

off the rack

nowadays i find myself waiting....

...waiting for march 1 so i can finally say i'm 5 months along which i feel is how big my tummy is for the longest time now (it looks like i'm on my 6th, but i'd settle for 5)...

...waiting for march 6, which is when our 2-month old baby girl shih tzu is coming to finally join our lovely boy cache-- it comforts me no end to know he will finally have someone to love of his own coz dad and mom sometimes leave him by his lonesome...

cache & lira

...waiting for the end of march which is when we are supposed to be moving to a new place, just to see how THAT will turn out...

... waiting for that move so we can finally have our airconditioning installed, that thing's been sitting on a corner for 3 months now, and i'm willing to kill for it already...

... waiting for my 6th month which will be when i get to have my 2nd ultrasound to find out if we're having a boy or a girl, doesn't matter which way the tide goes really, but it would be nice to know...

... waiting for my 1 month summer vacation from work...

... waiting for the moment of truth, will i be delivering normal or caesarian, it seems nobody could tell until the very end or so that's how it feels like to me...

...waiting for my baby to finally join us and be part of our little family, now that's another story right there...

... i am quite surprised by how things are, how my little things seem to be on schedule, my "satisfactions" seem to be so evenly distributed in some near future that it's become insane. i couldn't finish the picture in my head because i don't have anything in my hand right now. i mean what happened to dying tomorrow, settling things now, because tomorrow is never promised...?

my life would be a major unfinished business even if only for the darned aircon.

Monday, November 30, 2009

how it's going

so i'm always the one wanting to be a mom. it's one of those things i'd always wanted, knowing i'd be really good at it, having that perfect picture in my head. how many times have i felt the weight of my unborn child in my arms? (like 10 years ago, right?) so this is past due.

and now here it is, i'm the classic buntis, nausea, food 24/7, but i've food exhaustion too, not wanting to eat the same food once i've eaten it, so the list is pretty dwindling... i've gone through the nearby food haunts, searched for every fast food delivery numbers, and you could only have those so much, after a while, they're blah.

today, i'm off to spaghetti factory for lunch, to have my favorite bolognese, after which, i've nothing up my sleeve. i mean, what's for dinner, right? last night, my husband and i went for a subway, but that would be my last in this lifetime ever (such is the story of my life these days).

so this pregnancy thing is not something i would do again conciously ever. i'd always wanted 3-4 children, that is my one constant, wanting to have lots, but now, bah, humbug! sleeping half sitting is certainly no picnic just so i would not wake up feeling like i have to vomit, i wish i would, to get it over with, but i just wouldn't. nor always having that gnawing hunger that just would not be filled, when i don't eat, i'm damned, when i do eat, i'm damned (i ache both ways).... then the bone deep exhaustion that creeps up to me, ever so slowly feeling like i've climbed up some mountain and i just have to crash and watch everything from the sidelines because being involved means lifting a finger and i couldn't. i just want to lie down and never move....

what i've gotten so far in my 2months, is the fact that i have the best, best, best husband in the world. he's literally doing everything to make this easy for me. he'd bring food home from work (when i get lucky), he would go out in the middle of the day right when the sun is in its hottest to get me choco sundae fudge from jollibee. he would eat fast food with me even when he's a home cooked guy. he goes to 7-11 to get me all sorts of things, even chocolates when we both know it's bawal, he cleaned up our room and told me he cleaned up coz i came home from work and didn't notice right away (and he cleaned up real good), and he again did general cleaning this weekend without me lifting a finger, i was just either lying down or sitting down just staring at nothing being useless because i was just so tired. and even in the wee hours in the morning, when he turns and catches me staring at him, (staring because in my head i'm trying to weigh how he would take in my requests, being hungry again, i mean it's 4am) he would gamely say "ano gusto mo kainin?"

and this blows me away.

it's such a beautiful comfort knowing he's got me.

Friday, November 6, 2009

telltale signs

couldn't sleep, couldn't stay still. i'm home bound today, was asked to go home from work because of fever and given that i'm more than a week delayed makes it a bit alarming. i cried the whole time coming home from work because i had to commute and felt a little sorry for myself, thinking about how things would've been different if mommy were around.

now that i'm expecting, i've had four pregnancy tests but no word from the ob yet, i'm not supposed to break the news yet anyhow, i think about my mom more often and miss her all the more. i am ashamed to admit that i forgot her death anniversary this year. every year, it's a different drama with her death anniversary and this year, it was all so much about just getting married and settling in and upcoming birthdays and forgetting. so yesterday i felt awful. and felt again that terrible gnawing pit that's absolutely endless that comes with missing her. oh, if only you'd known my mom, she's all character. such beauty. such joy. such sadness too. she is all simple and grandiose. and oh so caring.

some pregnancy articles would say that to know how you are when pregnant, you've only to look at your mom, how she was when it was her time. pictures, maybe asking her questions, her little anecdotes, but i don't have those, not anymore. i keep racking my mind for some snippets of conversations, some memory of her telling me if she experienced morning sickness or anything, anything at all from her.

i don't have anything to show for this pregnancy thing yet anyhow. it's more based on hope than actual fact and without the doctor's confirmation who is to say what will happen next. but let's keep four fingers crossed, two for each hand. that will double the luck, i hope.

Saturday, October 3, 2009
and i like my window open when it rains outside. i like it just so.

these days, i do it with much guilt and trepidation knowing that the rain i enjoy so much from the comforts of my room is causing others a lot.

a lot, a lot.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

the accidental tourist -- borrowed from Anne Tyler

there's something about being a tourist, a sort of separation and a little surprise about the things you find out about yourself-- it's a sort of a getting-to-know-oneself-experience and you find that you agree with yourself on those points too.

we went to Honkong for our honeymoon, a little pause from our usually timid lives and the trip involved bravado and a lot of peso conversions, of course. i love to travel. i love what goes on and our little trip affirmed me on that one. the experience was really really worth it.

but i found that there was a little heart-twinge at dusk and was surprised by it. even being with him could not appease it. looking at those strange faces and strange places when it was near dark puts a bit of longing in my heart for my familiar. it was a bit odd because i am a going-overseas advocate and yet my heart just had to had that pull and regret and calling for home.

now i know that i love being a tourist. being in one place at one time for some silly moments but that's about it. home after that would be a lovely breath of fresh air. but if i have to be there anywhere for a long time, then i know there would be a lot of prepping to do.

thoughts of an ex-bride

really, there is no need to rehash things. no need at all to feel like i am in the middle of nowhere, small and vulnerable. there is no need for it.

after the hair raising ride of the wedding preparations, things are going back to normal. week after the wedding i was feeling a little bored, longing for the endless text messages, unknown phone calls, unabashed queries, strong opinions, unwanted point of views, confusions, uncategorized thoughts, haphazard decisions, quick ones, definite no-nos, lovely yes-es, repeated issues, unwelcome dramas, compromises, reflections, quiet talks, heated discussions, shared realizations,

being swamped with people, thoughts, events, work, preparations, and being swamped, period.

it was all a hay ride.

going on a crescendo.

everything all at once but not really. it was all created. i was creating it and i was wallowing both in good and bad ways.

and now, no text messages. no unknown calls. all quiet. thoughts are slowly settling down. precipitations close to none.

and slowly i was closing in on bored. and worried sick about putting on some excitement. some drama. some. something.

all done and finished. and now, back to life. back to the regular drama of getting a cab in the morning to work and that's about it--

re-focusing and finding meaning again in things like waking up and going to work and trying to make that exciting--

then today it's all about our little room in a houseful of people and about making things perfect, functional, easy, smooth. and feeling overdrawn because things are far from there yet. feeling a little stretched and being a little suspicious that it is just an inflection, something to occupy the mind, an exercise of drama.

and there's life, a lifetime of it stretched out so long ahead of us.

and maybe a niggling question of: what to do, what to do?

(one really has to occupy the mind to keep thoughts at bay).