Everybody's such a fan of "moving on"

'Moving on' has become such an abused, overused, overrated phrase. As usual, we get into this bandwagon of what are accepted and expected behaviour and "moving on" has become quite popular.



We have forgotten how harsh and unrelenting it could be and we always miss the process in between entirely.



I am no fan of "moving on", you see. I am all for it, sure. I see it as the great finish, the goal, the target. But not now, not yet.



She laughed at me and goaded me with the fact that she has "moved on", while I, poor little me is stuck in the rot they left me. True, I am the one getting old with my anger and I'm the one who gets to have a black heart with all these hatred in my heart, but that is my way to be. I am in no rush, in no hurry to be anywhere else than where I am right now.



They have done me wrong and for me, it is important to be shocked, to be mad. To be hurt, to writhe in pain. I want to be bothered by it and to understand how painful it is because it is so. It is not otherwise. I want to bathe and wallow in it while it is the way it is and not close my eyes and pretend and reassure myself that it is not and it should not be so. That is my way to be.

I do not want to cast my feelings aside and forget how painful things are when they are painful. For me, pain is not something to get away from, to rid yourself of, to be over with. I imagine how she has moved on so easily from her past hurts and disappointments as if it they were a phase she is over and done with so that she has now become un-feeling and without conscience, making her inflict pain on another easily, without thought, without pause. For her, being in pain and causing another pain is "all in a day's work", get over it....

For me, pain is to be studied, reflected on, to immerse yourself with, to befriend and to be one with if only so you do not inflict it so easily on another. I want to be confused and wallow in it and be wrong about it, understanding how it is to be there so that I become careful about hurting others in turn.

We are a society who is so concerned with the end-product. We want to be on the opposite end of the spectrum, wanting to be in the destination rather than in the journey. We want end results, casting our eyes on the far horizons, contemplating the probabilities, leaving the in-betweens empty of our attention and honor.

We become happy and comfortable with the thought of someone moving on and we celebrate that occasion, happy to forget her pain for her, relieved that she is over it. We are all in a rush to be in that imagined happy ending...

I am stuck in my pain.

I honor it. I honor my anger. I honor her who has caused it if only so I would not be like her. In what she has done, I begin to understand that I do not want to be like that. In how she presented herself in situations and in her choices, it became clear to me that there are always a range of choices to pick from and it boils down to who you are and the kind of person you want to be. For now, I will be a ying and she will be my yang -- that other side of me. She likes to blame it on another and on the situation, not seeing that she has it in her power to do right. And whatever the choices are, it is always good to be in that place where you do not inflict pain on another because that's just not something you would do.

I am here. right now. unmoving. And I will not move until I am finished and give it its due. I will be here until I am not. Eventually I will move on, that is the nature of things, but I will not bandy it about, because for me, that is not the point. Healing will come, it is in the order of things, it is the law of nature. But until then, you can goad me and laugh at me and sing your silly songs at me, rub it on me as you only can because you are the way you are. It's actually funny how you are claiming you'd moved on already because of course you have, because you are not the one left crying, for you, after you've done your thing and made your mark, it's finished and done. And so I give you the happiness of the thought that I am hurting, because I know that feeds you and strengthens you...

Just until when I no longer am.

By then you will just be a hazy memory, some silly girl who did bad things because it's in her nature to do so.