how it's going

so i'm always the one wanting to be a mom. it's one of those things i'd always wanted, knowing i'd be really good at it, having that perfect picture in my head. how many times have i felt the weight of my unborn child in my arms? (like 10 years ago, right?) so this is past due.

and now here it is, i'm the classic buntis, nausea, food 24/7, but i've food exhaustion too, not wanting to eat the same food once i've eaten it, so the list is pretty dwindling... i've gone through the nearby food haunts, searched for every fast food delivery numbers, and you could only have those so much, after a while, they're blah.

today, i'm off to spaghetti factory for lunch, to have my favorite bolognese, after which, i've nothing up my sleeve. i mean, what's for dinner, right? last night, my husband and i went for a subway, but that would be my last in this lifetime ever (such is the story of my life these days).

so this pregnancy thing is not something i would do again conciously ever. i'd always wanted 3-4 children, that is my one constant, wanting to have lots, but now, bah, humbug! sleeping half sitting is certainly no picnic just so i would not wake up feeling like i have to vomit, i wish i would, to get it over with, but i just wouldn't. nor always having that gnawing hunger that just would not be filled, when i don't eat, i'm damned, when i do eat, i'm damned (i ache both ways).... then the bone deep exhaustion that creeps up to me, ever so slowly feeling like i've climbed up some mountain and i just have to crash and watch everything from the sidelines because being involved means lifting a finger and i couldn't. i just want to lie down and never move....

what i've gotten so far in my 2months, is the fact that i have the best, best, best husband in the world. he's literally doing everything to make this easy for me. he'd bring food home from work (when i get lucky), he would go out in the middle of the day right when the sun is in its hottest to get me choco sundae fudge from jollibee. he would eat fast food with me even when he's a home cooked guy. he goes to 7-11 to get me all sorts of things, even chocolates when we both know it's bawal, he cleaned up our room and told me he cleaned up coz i came home from work and didn't notice right away (and he cleaned up real good), and he again did general cleaning this weekend without me lifting a finger, i was just either lying down or sitting down just staring at nothing being useless because i was just so tired. and even in the wee hours in the morning, when he turns and catches me staring at him, (staring because in my head i'm trying to weigh how he would take in my requests, being hungry again, i mean it's 4am) he would gamely say "ano gusto mo kainin?"

and this blows me away.

it's such a beautiful comfort knowing he's got me.

telltale signs

couldn't sleep, couldn't stay still. i'm home bound today, was asked to go home from work because of fever and given that i'm more than a week delayed makes it a bit alarming. i cried the whole time coming home from work because i had to commute and felt a little sorry for myself, thinking about how things would've been different if mommy were around.

now that i'm expecting, i've had four pregnancy tests but no word from the ob yet, i'm not supposed to break the news yet anyhow, i think about my mom more often and miss her all the more. i am ashamed to admit that i forgot her death anniversary this year. every year, it's a different drama with her death anniversary and this year, it was all so much about just getting married and settling in and upcoming birthdays and forgetting. so yesterday i felt awful. and felt again that terrible gnawing pit that's absolutely endless that comes with missing her. oh, if only you'd known my mom, she's all character. such beauty. such joy. such sadness too. she is all simple and grandiose. and oh so caring.

some pregnancy articles would say that to know how you are when pregnant, you've only to look at your mom, how she was when it was her time. pictures, maybe asking her questions, her little anecdotes, but i don't have those, not anymore. i keep racking my mind for some snippets of conversations, some memory of her telling me if she experienced morning sickness or anything, anything at all from her.


i don't have anything to show for this pregnancy thing yet anyhow. it's more based on hope than actual fact and without the doctor's confirmation who is to say what will happen next. but let's keep four fingers crossed, two for each hand. that will double the luck, i hope.