thoughts of an ex-bride

really, there is no need to rehash things. no need at all to feel like i am in the middle of nowhere, small and vulnerable. there is no need for it.

after the hair raising ride of the wedding preparations, things are going back to normal. week after the wedding i was feeling a little bored, longing for the endless text messages, unknown phone calls, unabashed queries, strong opinions, unwanted point of views, confusions, uncategorized thoughts, haphazard decisions, quick ones, definite no-nos, lovely yes-es, repeated issues, unwelcome dramas, compromises, reflections, quiet talks, heated discussions, shared realizations,

being swamped with people, thoughts, events, work, preparations, and being swamped, period.

it was all a hay ride.

going on a crescendo.

everything all at once but not really. it was all created. i was creating it and i was wallowing both in good and bad ways.

and now, no text messages. no unknown calls. all quiet. thoughts are slowly settling down. precipitations close to none.

and slowly i was closing in on bored. and worried sick about putting on some excitement. some drama. some. something.

all done and finished. and now, back to life. back to the regular drama of getting a cab in the morning to work and that's about it--

re-focusing and finding meaning again in things like waking up and going to work and trying to make that exciting--

then today it's all about our little room in a houseful of people and about making things perfect, functional, easy, smooth. and feeling overdrawn because things are far from there yet. feeling a little stretched and being a little suspicious that it is just an inflection, something to occupy the mind, an exercise of drama.

and there's life, a lifetime of it stretched out so long ahead of us.

and maybe a niggling question of: what to do, what to do?

(one really has to occupy the mind to keep thoughts at bay).