telltale signs

couldn't sleep, couldn't stay still. i'm home bound today, was asked to go home from work because of fever and given that i'm more than a week delayed makes it a bit alarming. i cried the whole time coming home from work because i had to commute and felt a little sorry for myself, thinking about how things would've been different if mommy were around.

now that i'm expecting, i've had four pregnancy tests but no word from the ob yet, i'm not supposed to break the news yet anyhow, i think about my mom more often and miss her all the more. i am ashamed to admit that i forgot her death anniversary this year. every year, it's a different drama with her death anniversary and this year, it was all so much about just getting married and settling in and upcoming birthdays and forgetting. so yesterday i felt awful. and felt again that terrible gnawing pit that's absolutely endless that comes with missing her. oh, if only you'd known my mom, she's all character. such beauty. such joy. such sadness too. she is all simple and grandiose. and oh so caring.

some pregnancy articles would say that to know how you are when pregnant, you've only to look at your mom, how she was when it was her time. pictures, maybe asking her questions, her little anecdotes, but i don't have those, not anymore. i keep racking my mind for some snippets of conversations, some memory of her telling me if she experienced morning sickness or anything, anything at all from her.


i don't have anything to show for this pregnancy thing yet anyhow. it's more based on hope than actual fact and without the doctor's confirmation who is to say what will happen next. but let's keep four fingers crossed, two for each hand. that will double the luck, i hope.